There's something about an off-color joke that's utterly irresistible. You know it's wrong, and yet you can't help but laugh when you hear it. It's like a solid dad joke ... except you can't tell it at work, in front of the kids, and not over dinner with the in-laws, either.
If you're in the market for an illicit laugh or a dark-humor joke to provide a little comic relief without being over-the-top offensive, this collection of dirty jokes is for you. Edgy and occasionally cringey, these borderline NSFW one-liners are bound to give you a bad case of the groans and guffaws.
For instance, why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack. Or how about this one: What do call a bra that you can't take off? A booby trap, naturally.
If you like those bad-but-good gags, you're going to love this rundown of dirty jokes that, thankfully, aren't so naughty that you're too embarrassed to tell them. But they certainly aren't the family-friendly clean jokes you can pack in your child's school lunchbox, either.
Nope, you'll only want to share these when the grownups are around. Although to be fair, a lot of these funny puns and corny cracks would probably go right over most kids' heads.
Even so, remember that these wisecracks are totally PG, which stands for pretty good, if we do say so ourselves.
- I called the Incontinence Hotline once. They put me on hold.
- Why do divorces cost so much money? Because they’re worth it.
- My husband wants another baby. I’m so relieved. I don’t like the first one either.
- My husband doesn’t like it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially because his name is Allen.
- Did you hear about the new documentary about constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.
- Why shouldn't you marry hardware engineers? They always have floppy disks.
- I don't need beauty sleep. I need to hibernate.
- Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
- I told my wife that I was in the mood for a quickie. She replied that it's pronounced “quiche.”
- What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? Kids don't eat broccoli.
- Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
- What's the shortest sentence in the world? “I am.” What's the longest? “I do.”
- My boyfriend is so lazy he can't even jump to a conclusion.
- How is marriage like a three-ring circus? There's the engagement ring, wedding ring, then suffering.
- What do hot dogs use for protection? Condo-ments.
- Did you hear about the guy who got a Viagra stuck in his throat? Now he's got a stiff neck.
- Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? It wanted to reach the bottom.
- At a restaurant, a waiter yelled, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted back, “I know the whole alphabet!”
- Why shouldn't you kiss your sweetheart when your nose is runny? Because while it might seem funny, it's snot.
- My new car has a gadget for just about everything. It even has a rear wiper. I can't wait to try it.
- What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
- A women at the bank asked if she could check her balance. So I pushed her over.
- Did you hear about the guy that accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles? His next trip to bathroom could spell disaster.
- What's the best way to remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.
- How do you make a cat drink? Put it in a blender.
- Why did Romans close the Colosseum? The lions were eating up all the prophets.
- Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes.
- What do you call a bra that you can't take off? A booby trap.
- What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.
- I asked my waiter how they prepare the chicken. He replied, “We tell them they’re going to die.”
- What's the best way to open a locked bathroom door? Use a doo-key.
- My girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick instead. She still isn't talking to me.
- What did one fly say to the other? “Is this stool taken?”
- What do you call someone who won't pass gas in public? A private tutor.
- How is life like toilet paper? Either you're on a roll or your taking a bunch of crap from someone.
- Why did the environmentalist blush? He saw the climate change.
- I discovered my husband is on Tinder and I'm so mad about his lies. He isn't “fun to be around.”
- When don't you need a parachute for skydiving? If you only plan on going once.
- When don't “I'm sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing? At a funeral.
- Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because b-shells are too small.
- When I die, I want to be cremated. That way I'll have a smoking-hot body at least once.
- Sadly, I was there for my father's last words. They were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”
- Did you hear about the stolen Viagra truck? Police are searching for a group of hardened criminals.
- My grief counselor just died. She was so good that I don't even miss her.
- What's long, hard and full of seaman? A submarine.
- The invisible man married an invisible woman. Apparently their kids are nothing to look at.
- I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me.
- A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sure, the toilet is around the corner.”
- Did you hear about the guy who got addicted to line dancing? He's in a two-step program.
- Did you hear about the naked guy that broke into a church? The police caught him by the organ.
- Where do hot dogs stay on vacation? In Weiner-bagos.
- Did you hear about the proctologist whose wife cheated on him? It totally rectum.
- Why did the lizard go to the doctor? He had reptile dysfunction.
- My father died after I couldn't remember his blood type. On the bright side, he gave me some good advice first. He said, “Be positive!”
- What's the best murder weapon to use if you don't want to get caught? A storage container lid. No one will ever be able to find it.
- What does a push-up bra have in common with a bag of chips? Once you manage to get it open, you realize it’s only half full.
- How are relationships like algebra? You look at your X and think Y.
- How is Google like your girlfriend? It doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
- My wife is upset that our neighbor keeps sunbathing without her top. Me? I'm on the fence.
- What does the Little Mermaid wear under her shirt? An algae-bra.
